I have incorporated all the feedback from my first draft of my script which includes cutting down the number of parentheticals and changing the spaces between the character name and the parentheticals to 1. The biggest change I have made is to increase the number of pages my script has from 5 to 10 to fit the brief of a 10-15 minute script. I will add more pages later on if I can.
Now for my second (feedback underneath): I will change some of the dialogue to make the characters, (especially Heidi) seem like actual real people and also clarify why Connor won't call the police- as he's too scared.
Feedback
-I had a feeling there was going to be a plot twist but I didn't expect it! The atmosphere you evoked was really good but I got confused by the plot twist but that was probably intentional. One thing I picked up on was some of the dialogue- particularly Heidi's which sounded a little strange in places at first- I thought that was because she's a whimsical character and I didn't know if that was her characterisation. She seems calm in this intense situation. One example- page 4- I'm confused at why she goes 'I don't know how this is going to go'. Maybe her career could be in stressful situations. She seems too relaxed until the photo smashing.
-My favourite moment is after the burglary when it follows Connor's perspective- reminds me of expressionism.
-Also I was interested in why Connor was anxious about calling the police- to me it suggested that they have a reason why they don't want the police anywhere near them.
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